TWILIGHT 'New Mooooon!' - facebook review

Here were my very first impressions of New Moon, as recorded intermittedly on Facebook:


oh dear. i should be marking and planning. but I'm watching New Moon. and it's every bit as awful as I expected it to be.


why doesn't bella realise that the most inconvenient relationship you can have is with an undead creature - and she goes ahead and has two of them?


jacob: i will never hurt you or leave you

bella: thankfully my new undead bf is more stable than my last one. 
jacob: oh, but we have to break up now *leaves* 

bella: wtf, again?

so of all the boys she could fall for, she chooses the only two eligible undead boys in town #bringontheangst

bella and jacob: *practically snog at bella's house* 

edward: *rings bella's house* 

jacob: *picks up the phone* 

edward: *angstily crushes the phone (like wolverine)* 

bella: *acts rashly* 

plot: *thickens*

edward: *becomes angry vampire* 

bella: *blames everyone but herself* 

jacob: *takes of shirt* 

alice(who?): *drives* 

camera: *pans*

wait, are they in italy? wtf?

bella: *runs through fountain* 

red caped crowd: *ignores* 

edward: *undresses* 

red caped crowd: *ignores* 

audience: *swoons* 

plot: *stagnates* 

audience: *still swooning* 

protagonists: *spout superlatives and generalisations* 

tweenies: *are further manipulated into believing in the fundamental narratival symmetry of reality*

*enter the clichéd vampires of italy* (so much evening dress)

clichéd vampire king: you'd give up our life for someone like us? a souless vampire?

camera: *pans to edward and his incredibly fit torso*

bella: it wasn't a hard decision to make...
audience: *concurs*


bella: *languishes* 
edward: *stalks*
bella: this is just like old times. 
jacob: what now? 
bella: jacob who?
film: *ends*

I enjoyed this film, in a weird sort of way.

I mean the film stands for everything I hate about American teen films - it promotes manipulative, unhealthy representations "normal" relationships, it stereotypes adolescents in a really patronising way and is cheesy to the max. And it has the self assurance to be about vampires, and not be funny.

But everyone's so attractive and tries so hard, and there's so much angst that it's kind of endearing. I haven't seen such a sincere, unashamed film since the 'Da Vinci Code'.

The only time I really raged about this film was the final scene when Bella and Edward are talking about taking their relationship to The Next Step.

edward: let's wait five years

bella: that's too long

edward: well, maybe three

bella: what are you waiting for

edward: i have one condition 

bella: what are you asking?

audience: don't do it, edward. don't sound like a dick,

edward: marry me.

Why, Stephanie Meyer? Why?

And that is my opinion.